As quickly as you suspect a lie, set up a plan of action to free your mind by collecting and evaluating evidence. Check out opposite sex contacts: 1) Unexplained breakfasts, lunches or dinners, coffee meetings; 2) Home or hotel visits; 3) Cards or letters; 4) Suspicious phone calls; 5) Any clue that your spouse has been walking, talking, keeping company with an inappropriate person. Do not leap to conclusions; carefully accumulate evidence.

Remember, silence is golden. At this point do not confront your partner. Confrontations based on suspicions, intuition and distortions are unproductive. You need facts. Confronting the other person with insufficient evidence is unproductive and counter-productive. Betrayers are likely to do what almost everyone does that is having an affair: They lie and level accusations at the accuser. Moreover, if you are certain that there is an affair, it is not always best to confront the person with the evidence. It might drive then directly and prematurely into the arms of the waiting paramour. What you must cultivate is self-control.

Gaining Control

Affairs produce wild, crazy emotions, mental instability and detrimental actions. Strength lies in taking control of your self. You will likely go through three stages:

    1. Fugue, in which you are in shock, living on the emotional edge; chaos reigns in heart and soul.

    2. Ambivalence sets in and you feel that you both hate and want the relationship with the betrayer;

    3. Clarity at which time you see your future and know which actions to take. Your job throughout this ordeal is to avoid allowing emotions to rule your actions. Use your informed intellect to save you and your family grief while managing a devastating experience. It is highly recommended that you have a trusted, wise counselor during these times. Avoid using friends and family members or others who will go along with your anger and hurt or their own programs.